Mixed and mixed-up emotions are typical for “Chocolate City” folks. Until Katrina, I thought Ray Nagin was a really good mayor. Now, not so much. But, I understand his craziness. I’m that way too. The mixed and mixed-up emotions I’m experiencing are taking their toll on me as well.
For example: Recently, I’ve been arguing a bit with my friend D.R. After his recent comment and a very harsh phone call from Shirley, I’ve realized that my arguments with him haven’t been too charitable. My friend Joe also sent an email to me chiding me for my bitterness. I’m really really sorry. I never intended to come off as bitter or rude. Angry, yes. Bitter or rude, no. You see, it’s my opinion that since D.R. and I are friends who happen to be very passionate about our beliefs (passionate, but neither of us walk funny) we can disagree without fear of hurting each other’s feelings. I was wrong. Maybe face to face where I can slap him on the back of the head is the better way, because this form of communication doesn’t really lend itself well to sarcasm. Again, to D.R. or anyone I have hurt, I am very sorry.
Hence, the mixed emotions struggle. I really am very proud of D.R. and love him very much. However, I’m not happy with a few of his theological positions. So, I get angry when he’s so wrong (sarcasm alert!) and I want him to see the light and believe like me. Unfortunately, the last part of the previous sentence is true. That makes me look pretty bad doesn’t it? Yep. I know. I don’t believe that I know everything. I really don’t. In fact, where I am is very uncomfortable theologically. After getting a PhD, and spending years trying to get it I’m still very confused. But I have been where D.R. is right now. And I am thankful that I’m no longer where he is theologically. But after giving it much thought and prayer, I realize that God loved me when I was a conservative republican Calvinist. God still loves me, and always will. Therefore, if D.R. stays where he is theologically, God’s OK with that and I must be too. Besides, like I said before, it’s really uncomfortable where I am right now. Sorry, D.R. I’ll try to do better.
Here’s the mixed part—-call me a tree-hugging–communist–liberal if you want to. I won’t mind. Just don’t question my Christianity or commitment to scripture. I really want to call you a right-wing—fundamentalist—doofus. As long as we know we love and respect each other, can’t we do that? I really do believe we can learn from each other. You actually have some insightful comments even when you disagree with me. I appreciate that. I want to change you. You don’t have it all figured out yet. But, I also want to be changed by you. You care a lot more about being civil and nice than I do and that’s what I need to hear. A lot. I also need to hear other things from you. That’s why it’s the body of Christ isn’t it? So we can help each other. I obviously need more help than you do right now (not sarcasm). Help me be better. Help me speak the truth in love. Since I don’t have a handle on the truth, and am finding it hard to love right now I would appreciate your help brother.
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